6 October 2003 – A poem for Henry Rollins

I’m not good at words but I think they always distort yourself
more than
your ability to manipulate
them
when expressing your inner
sub/unconsciousness

I don’t want to write something that words
can express without
vilifying
my true intentions
because they are
structurally culturally imperially, subconsciously implicitly ignorantly subversively indecently
coded
to deceive
reader, writer, receiver

In Buddhism, we learn the gamut of emotions experience are transient. You can never step into a river twice
but why do you step into a river and feel its chilling cool, passionate warmth, freezing bites, non-chalant fast moving movement every time

They move so fast they sweep you off your feet
sent blood up to your brains synapses
telling
you are in love with the sensation
afraid of losing control
what you could lose
turned on and turned off
pushes it away
immerse in it
yearning to sink further and deeper
wanting to withdraw for fear of being numbed
all at the same time?

Everytime you think about it, your heart is given a forceful tug.

You never learn for the river is right ahead of you
the bridge is broken and you only want to cross it
just don’t be washed away – the age old adage
of reason and logic

So we step into the river again
mother of all phenomena
and hope we would pull ourselves from it and refrain from playing
in the whirlpool,
the river of dreams and illusions
fancifully beautifully hurting

In fact, we never left the pool, we are always here even though we think we have

We don’t only live in illusions but indulge in banal interpersonal communications
my colleague told me his financial woes while I was advised by a financial controller to start planning for my retirement. The latest talk is Nokia hand phones or Mobile Centrino technology,

Facts and money don’t give a damn about us.

Dear Henry

We go to parties and get stoned
watch the boys get wasted
and feeling
I mean
not feeling
our lives

There is nothing left.

What are we supposed to do?

What am I supposed to feel and do  ¶ 4:09 pm